7/16/09 A Grown-up Conversation
Sun, 2nd August, 2009
Author: Write
Yes, the Bible says wait until after marriage but, the reality is many, possibly "you", didn't/haven't. And, no I'm not judging.
Anyway, I read the article below and it brought a few discussion questions to mind.
This article was followed by a disclaimer that said it wasn't intended to advise virgins. Also, that before engaging in sex, it's imperative that you decide what type of birth control you will use and you should supplement that with condoms to protect against sexually transmitted diseases.
So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage? What made you stop? What advice do you currently give to those younger than you? Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age? What is your position on pre-marital sex? Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your self worth?
7 SIGNS YOU'RE READY FOR SEX WITH YOUR DATE
By: Sari Locker, Ph.D
When should you start hitting the sheets with someone you're seeing? Our sexologist reveals seven pivotal points that signal the time is right.
Few moments in any relationship are as exciting, scary, and sweet as the first time you do the deed. For some people, bedding down happens on date number one; for others, not until vows are said. But for most of us, it's sometime between those two extremes, though when exactly is up for debate.
While there are no hard-and-fast rules, men and women do rely on certain signposts to know when they're ready for sex with someone new. Read on to see how you can know that the time is ripe for an amazing night.*
1. When you're sure you're the only one
Many people give a green light to sex once they know they're in an exclusive relationship. The key word is know — not assume, or guess or hope. Brendan, 25, from New York City, NY, explains how he puts his cards on the table: "I usually wait until our conversation is flowing say, over a meal, and ask, "Are you dating anyone else right now?' in a really casual way. I like to know upfront." He learned the hard way that waiting for a commitment is the best thing for him. "A girl I slept with told me after the fact that she was currently sleeping with two other guys! It made me feel gross."
Why does exclusivity make such a difference? Perhaps because people feel they can really let loose when they're secure in the relationship. "It's emotionally comforting to know the person you're sharing your body with isn't bedding someone else in their spare time," explains Dana, 25, from Brooklyn, NY. "It makes sex more passionate and meaningful."
2. When you want to suss out someone's long-term potential
For other people, sex comes before a serious commitment — in fact, having sex is the very way they figure out if they want to hang around for the long haul. 28-year-old Tao from Washington, D.C. explains it this way: "I'm not a dog, but I am a guy. And for me, sex is a physical act, while a relationship takes time to cultivate," he says. His solution? Have sex early on to find out if you want to mesh the two. "Girls worry too much that the guy will lose interest if they have sex too soon," he says. "But if a guy likes you, having sex with him will only make him more interested!"
Hitting the sheets after only a couple of dates is not just a guy thing. "For me, it can happen as early as the second date," says Cate, 26, Boston, MA. "Good sex is just as important as good conversation, and I think it's important to find out how sexually compatible you are together."
3. When you feel understood
Still other singles don't adhere to either the just-do-it or wait-'til-later camps. For them, it all comes down to a moment when it becomes crystal clear there's great rapport. Says William, 36, from Naperville, IL, "I'd been going out with this girl for a while, but I was on the fence about whether or not we'd make love. I just didn't know if we really "got' each other. Then over dinner, I was telling some story about what inspired me to change careers, and she pretty much finished my sentences for me. The fact that she understood my thinking in such depth convinced me that we were really in sync — which would translate well in the bedroom. It did."
4. When you nearly die laughing
What is it about people who can get you giggling at the drop of a hat? Whatever it is, it gets some single people ready to head to bed. "If the guy can make me laugh hard, he's pretty much sealed the deal," says Michele, 43, from Akron, OH. "I don't care if it's date one or 21, but he has to have me laughing hard before I sleep with him. If I'm dating someone and the vibe has been so-so, if he all of a sudden has me on the floor laughing, it makes me see him in a whole new light. Being funny is sexy. It says you're confident, you can make fun of life, and you're probably imaginative in bed."
5. When the kissing gets really good
Let's face it, a kiss is not just a kiss. Many consider it a testing ground for whether, and when, they should take things further. "It sounds cheesy but I know I'm ready for sex when his kiss makes me go nuts," says Brooke, 25, from Providence, RI. "Most of the time it takes two or three dates before the kissing gets that good. It can start out pretty generic, but over time we'll start figuring out what really turns each other on. Once he delivers that kiss that literally makes my knees weak and it feels like there are fireworks going off inside my body, I usually decide that the time is right for really great sex."
6. When you feel comfortable baring all
No doubt, stripping down in front of someone new can be a little nerve-wracking. Perhaps that's why some people use their comfort level with being naked as a way gauge if they're ready to go all the way. Explains Leslie, 30, of Madison, NJ: "I'm self-conscious about my body as is, so I know that when I feel like unabashedly ripping my clothes off in front of him, that I've reached a safe place." Getting to this point is a gradual process. "I like to have a few kissing sessions, sometimes clothed, other times partially clothed, to get used to the idea of being naked," she says. "Then when we finally do it, it's not so hard for me to undress, because we've both sort of been there before."
7. When you feel your partner has earned it
In this fast-paced world, it can be easy to fast-track every aspect of a relationship, including sex. Maybe that's why some people choose a more slow-paced approach, holding off until they feel their date truly deserves it. "I like a long buildup to sex," says Helen, 44, of San Anselmo, CA. "Why rush it? A drawn out flirtation leads to more anticipation, which leads to really hot sex. If you do it right away, it's over shortly, and he may lose interest. If you wait, he'll feel like the luckiest guy in the world that he finally landed you." Helen's motto? Let your date wine and dine you. "Since you were so hard to obtain, he'll work harder at pleasing you. You don't want to be like every other woman who hopped into bed with him quickly. Be different, and you'll get treated like a princess."
Comments (10) for "7/16/09 A Grown-up Conversat...
WHoa....
OHhhhh I will save and behave. No doubt.
My thoughts will cause a straight war on this site. For real.
By Miranda - 7/16/2009 8:45 PM
Nope. Gotta say it... Father help me.
Well to tell you the truth, my reason for not waiting was because I wanted to feel loved. However waiting for the right one, well you learn through previous failures.
This is for folks who have had sex before marriage. Those of you who are pure... God bless you. Stay that way.
Honestly though, I have learned how to stay celibate due to the failures of releasing it too soon before knowing a person.
I believe if you wait you will learn. If you give it up, it kind of takes away the challenge.
But when you get older, well you just don't play those games.
Sex is more mental than physical, however the physical gets the mental attention.
When I say physical, well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So depending on preference, that is when the attraction is made.
I understand where this Doctor is coming from, because the relationship factor has a lot to do with getting to know the person you desire to be intimate with.
That comes with waiting... and then you know; some of us are strong and others are weak. God is the only one that can keep you pure.
If you rely on yourself, you are able to fall at any time.
I would wait. HIV and AIDS are the leading STD's now and you never know who been with who.
I would have to know that I was the only one for real...
Like Beyonce' song says... "If like it then you should have put a ring on it."
By Miranda - 7/16/2009 8:55 PM
Great post.
By S_kemp06 - 7/16/2009 11:16 PM
Seriously,
(I guess my first answer didn't meet approval.)
When you feel your partner has earned it
In this fast-paced world, it can be easy to fast-track every aspect of a relationship, including sex. Maybe that's why some people choose a more slow-paced approach, holding off until they feel their date truly deserves it. "I like a long buildup to sex," says Helen, 44, of San Anselmo, CA. "Why rush it? A drawn out flirtation leads to more anticipation, which leads to really hot sex. If you do it right away, it's over shortly, and he may lose interest. If you wait, he'll feel like the luckiest guy in the world that he finally landed you." Helen's motto? Let your date wine and dine you. "Since you were so hard to obtain, he'll work harder at pleasing you. You don't want to be like every other woman who hopped into bed with him quickly. Be different, and you'll get treated like a princess."
Number seven is my answer.
You can be made a fool giving yourself over to everyone all the time. Sex is an intimate bond and it really should be for the marriage bed.
Regardless ... if you are grown.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 4:32 AM
Miranda, the system doesn't like certain words so it holds them up to be released. So somehow you have to diguise the word, i.e s@x.
Ring or no ring, I encourage all people who choose to have sex to be mature and open enough to talk about it. I think that is really lacking in this society. I feel it you can't converse about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Marriage or not. People need to step up and talk to their partners about testing up front and then the protection they will use. They are so many things to be caught before HIV and AIDS. Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Genital Warts, Lice, Scabies, Trichomoniasis.
And people need to be cautious of the type of sex they are having with these short term relationships, flings, one night stands, etc. I had a friend to tell me about the great oral sex she received from some guy and then how she had to stop him before penetration to make sure he put a condom on because in her words, "I know he is with other people and I don't want to catch anything." I gave her the I know you are kidding or "SOS" look. After I realized she had no clue. We had a conversation on how you contract diseases from Oral as well as Vaginal. She was clueless. The sad part? She is no spring chicken. No reason she shouldn't have know this. But, she didn't.
By Write - 7/17/2009 6:47 AM
True.
Honestly, I feel it is something that should be discussed between adults as well. You should never assume or take the word of some folks. I just think it is better to wait rather than falling for the lie about not getting a disease...
Now a days, people are sleeping with more than one person or same sex. You just need to know before you hit the sheets, even before the ring.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:12 AM
Meaning I prefer a monogamous relationship with ONE man.
If my comment ever comes back.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:18 AM
MONO
UNO
ONE...
Then what ever happens happens... I feel as though the older you get, you just know. Not making foolish choices as when you were young.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:21 AM
"So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage?"
simple...i was curious...wondered what it felt like. was a lil hyped up from a friend who had already done it.
"What made you stop?"
i haven't...just slowed down considerably
"What advice do you currently give to those younger than you?"
wait as long as you possibly can, please use protection, and don't sleep around b/c you'll only end up hurting psychologically if you do
"Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age?"
No, not really. same goes for them too...
"What is your position on pre-marital sex?
the Bible says it's wrong, but I think it's almost inevietable. i admire those who are strong enough in the flesh to wait until marriage, but for those who are not, i just pray that it's safe.
"Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your self worth?"
no. i know i'm only 22, but i've been through a lot regarding this topic, and my view is exactly what i said above, and i don't think it'll change.
when promoting abstinence and purity (which is all well and good), you still leave out a vast majority: the ppl who's already having s%x, and may not be "kickin the habit" any time soon. because s%x is happening way more that abstinence, we need to promote getting tested and protecting yourself. athough, i feel really guilty when saying that...i'm convicted everyday, it's still reality...
By CBW1986 - 7/20/2009 7:00 PM
When answering the questions like that... the way CBW did, I had to discuss the topic from the truest perspective.
I had to re-think and re-write my answers according to the questions asked.
• "So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage?"
I took the plunge out of curiosity and the time; I believed the hype of what my peers at the time believe sex to be. However, it was not like the movies. There weren't any sparks and because I was not knowledgeable about the psychological effects of having s@x at a young age (17), I really wasn't prepared for the rejection of the other person as well.
• "What made you stop?"
When I realized I didn't want to be like most of the women in my family. I didn't want my body to be used up and messed up. I had about very few s@x partners in my life. And many were just one time occurrences, meaning if I didn't like, It would never happen again. And the fact that I got married young.
• "What advice do you currently give to those younger than you?"
Being real, however I was married by the age of 20 so I didn't really have a s@x life. My last boyfriend before I was married, well we experimented due to the fact I desired to know what an orgasm really was, however it never happened … almost but not. When I got married, well I just didn't understand that a woman must learn her body and honestly that takes time and a partner willing to listen to your needs as well as you listening to his needs. It takes compromise and a willingness to know if you both have the same likeness and desires sexually before plunging into the bed. And you must be safe. Get knowledgeable about sex. The bible also says for lack of knowledge, my people also perish. We must educate ourselves in order to preserve our bodies as women. This goes especially African-American women, which statistically has the highest lead in HIV and the AIDS virus. When you understand your body and the dangers of having more than one s@x partner you tend to not delve into the bedroom too quickly. Learning a person's s@xual history should be a number one priority. You never know who has been with whom. Learn the precautions and know the truth about s@x. It really does show how responsible you are as a woman and as a partner. However, abstinence is the best way to assure the safety of it all. Waiting on the ONE person to share YOUR body with means he has to be willing to wait. True love waits and your body is worth waiting for.
• "Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age?"
No. I believe whatever age you are you must understand your worth. You are not weak or a sore thumb because you choose not to delve into the bedroom too quickly. I feel as though you are being wise.
However, the older you get the more you learn when a man is really interested in you rather than just hitting the sheets. You tend to know the signs and really it is your choice on what you do with your body. When you are older, you need to have safe s@x, just like any young person.
FYI: Women begin to s@xually peak at the age of 40 when men s@xually peak at the age of 20. So there is a big difference that occurs with women. However a man can reproduce until he dies. A woman has a clock ticking on fertility so most of the time, s@x with some women is more about children versus the pleasure of it all. As women get older; they eventually learn how to enjoy s@x versus it being a chore. Life experiences sometimes changes the way s@x is received versus being done.
• "What is your position on pre-marital sex?"
The bible says it is wrong. Fornication is included in the vial list of passions. However, we know many have fallen in this area as well. The bible speaks about if you "burn" it is better to marry because you can fall weak to temptation every time. Although, we know we are not to marry because we have sinned.
So my understanding of it is a woman "burning" so to speak should prepare herself for marriage rather than a s@x partner because pleasing God should be the first focus.
It would be nice to say if you had s@x with someone, that they would stay; however it is not guaranteed. Most of the time men are double standard; it has to do with a trust issue; when a woman has sex before marriage. Weird, but true. Most men believe that if a woman gives it up to them, she has given it up to someone else.
• "Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your "self worth"?"
S@x for me has changed with age. I understand the potency of it essence in reality knowing my own body. I understand the value of my worth because I desire someone worthy of my body. I am divorced, now but I have learned that I can't jump in the bed because there is so much to learn about a person. A woman has to know the partner before s@x. It is a choice, however and I cannot judge. I just know, you have so much dignity when you wait to have s@x, it saves you from the internal (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) scars which are not seen on the outside.
• Promoting abstinence and purity, IS A CHOICE;
Like I said, being willing to be pure is a choice. And for those who have been strong, I commend you. I have been abstaining for quite some time. I will not say how long, but I can say I know it has only been because of the grace of God. Nothing of my own doing. And that is real.
By Miranda - 7/21/2009 5:15 AM
Yes, the Bible says wait until after marriage but, the reality is many, possibly "you", didn't/haven't. And, no I'm not judging.
Anyway, I read the article below and it brought a few discussion questions to mind.
This article was followed by a disclaimer that said it wasn't intended to advise virgins. Also, that before engaging in sex, it's imperative that you decide what type of birth control you will use and you should supplement that with condoms to protect against sexually transmitted diseases.
So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage? What made you stop? What advice do you currently give to those younger than you? Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age? What is your position on pre-marital sex? Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your self worth?
7 SIGNS YOU'RE READY FOR SEX WITH YOUR DATE
By: Sari Locker, Ph.D
When should you start hitting the sheets with someone you're seeing? Our sexologist reveals seven pivotal points that signal the time is right.
Few moments in any relationship are as exciting, scary, and sweet as the first time you do the deed. For some people, bedding down happens on date number one; for others, not until vows are said. But for most of us, it's sometime between those two extremes, though when exactly is up for debate.
While there are no hard-and-fast rules, men and women do rely on certain signposts to know when they're ready for sex with someone new. Read on to see how you can know that the time is ripe for an amazing night.*
1. When you're sure you're the only one
Many people give a green light to sex once they know they're in an exclusive relationship. The key word is know — not assume, or guess or hope. Brendan, 25, from New York City, NY, explains how he puts his cards on the table: "I usually wait until our conversation is flowing say, over a meal, and ask, "Are you dating anyone else right now?' in a really casual way. I like to know upfront." He learned the hard way that waiting for a commitment is the best thing for him. "A girl I slept with told me after the fact that she was currently sleeping with two other guys! It made me feel gross."
Why does exclusivity make such a difference? Perhaps because people feel they can really let loose when they're secure in the relationship. "It's emotionally comforting to know the person you're sharing your body with isn't bedding someone else in their spare time," explains Dana, 25, from Brooklyn, NY. "It makes sex more passionate and meaningful."
2. When you want to suss out someone's long-term potential
For other people, sex comes before a serious commitment — in fact, having sex is the very way they figure out if they want to hang around for the long haul. 28-year-old Tao from Washington, D.C. explains it this way: "I'm not a dog, but I am a guy. And for me, sex is a physical act, while a relationship takes time to cultivate," he says. His solution? Have sex early on to find out if you want to mesh the two. "Girls worry too much that the guy will lose interest if they have sex too soon," he says. "But if a guy likes you, having sex with him will only make him more interested!"
Hitting the sheets after only a couple of dates is not just a guy thing. "For me, it can happen as early as the second date," says Cate, 26, Boston, MA. "Good sex is just as important as good conversation, and I think it's important to find out how sexually compatible you are together."
3. When you feel understood
Still other singles don't adhere to either the just-do-it or wait-'til-later camps. For them, it all comes down to a moment when it becomes crystal clear there's great rapport. Says William, 36, from Naperville, IL, "I'd been going out with this girl for a while, but I was on the fence about whether or not we'd make love. I just didn't know if we really "got' each other. Then over dinner, I was telling some story about what inspired me to change careers, and she pretty much finished my sentences for me. The fact that she understood my thinking in such depth convinced me that we were really in sync — which would translate well in the bedroom. It did."
4. When you nearly die laughing
What is it about people who can get you giggling at the drop of a hat? Whatever it is, it gets some single people ready to head to bed. "If the guy can make me laugh hard, he's pretty much sealed the deal," says Michele, 43, from Akron, OH. "I don't care if it's date one or 21, but he has to have me laughing hard before I sleep with him. If I'm dating someone and the vibe has been so-so, if he all of a sudden has me on the floor laughing, it makes me see him in a whole new light. Being funny is sexy. It says you're confident, you can make fun of life, and you're probably imaginative in bed."
5. When the kissing gets really good
Let's face it, a kiss is not just a kiss. Many consider it a testing ground for whether, and when, they should take things further. "It sounds cheesy but I know I'm ready for sex when his kiss makes me go nuts," says Brooke, 25, from Providence, RI. "Most of the time it takes two or three dates before the kissing gets that good. It can start out pretty generic, but over time we'll start figuring out what really turns each other on. Once he delivers that kiss that literally makes my knees weak and it feels like there are fireworks going off inside my body, I usually decide that the time is right for really great sex."
6. When you feel comfortable baring all
No doubt, stripping down in front of someone new can be a little nerve-wracking. Perhaps that's why some people use their comfort level with being naked as a way gauge if they're ready to go all the way. Explains Leslie, 30, of Madison, NJ: "I'm self-conscious about my body as is, so I know that when I feel like unabashedly ripping my clothes off in front of him, that I've reached a safe place." Getting to this point is a gradual process. "I like to have a few kissing sessions, sometimes clothed, other times partially clothed, to get used to the idea of being naked," she says. "Then when we finally do it, it's not so hard for me to undress, because we've both sort of been there before."
7. When you feel your partner has earned it
In this fast-paced world, it can be easy to fast-track every aspect of a relationship, including sex. Maybe that's why some people choose a more slow-paced approach, holding off until they feel their date truly deserves it. "I like a long buildup to sex," says Helen, 44, of San Anselmo, CA. "Why rush it? A drawn out flirtation leads to more anticipation, which leads to really hot sex. If you do it right away, it's over shortly, and he may lose interest. If you wait, he'll feel like the luckiest guy in the world that he finally landed you." Helen's motto? Let your date wine and dine you. "Since you were so hard to obtain, he'll work harder at pleasing you. You don't want to be like every other woman who hopped into bed with him quickly. Be different, and you'll get treated like a princess."
Comments (10) for "7/16/09 A Grown-up Conversat...
WHoa....
OHhhhh I will save and behave. No doubt.
My thoughts will cause a straight war on this site. For real.
By Miranda - 7/16/2009 8:45 PM
Nope. Gotta say it... Father help me.
Well to tell you the truth, my reason for not waiting was because I wanted to feel loved. However waiting for the right one, well you learn through previous failures.
This is for folks who have had sex before marriage. Those of you who are pure... God bless you. Stay that way.
Honestly though, I have learned how to stay celibate due to the failures of releasing it too soon before knowing a person.
I believe if you wait you will learn. If you give it up, it kind of takes away the challenge.
But when you get older, well you just don't play those games.
Sex is more mental than physical, however the physical gets the mental attention.
When I say physical, well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So depending on preference, that is when the attraction is made.
I understand where this Doctor is coming from, because the relationship factor has a lot to do with getting to know the person you desire to be intimate with.
That comes with waiting... and then you know; some of us are strong and others are weak. God is the only one that can keep you pure.
If you rely on yourself, you are able to fall at any time.
I would wait. HIV and AIDS are the leading STD's now and you never know who been with who.
I would have to know that I was the only one for real...
Like Beyonce' song says... "If like it then you should have put a ring on it."
By Miranda - 7/16/2009 8:55 PM
Great post.
By S_kemp06 - 7/16/2009 11:16 PM
Seriously,
(I guess my first answer didn't meet approval.)
When you feel your partner has earned it
In this fast-paced world, it can be easy to fast-track every aspect of a relationship, including sex. Maybe that's why some people choose a more slow-paced approach, holding off until they feel their date truly deserves it. "I like a long buildup to sex," says Helen, 44, of San Anselmo, CA. "Why rush it? A drawn out flirtation leads to more anticipation, which leads to really hot sex. If you do it right away, it's over shortly, and he may lose interest. If you wait, he'll feel like the luckiest guy in the world that he finally landed you." Helen's motto? Let your date wine and dine you. "Since you were so hard to obtain, he'll work harder at pleasing you. You don't want to be like every other woman who hopped into bed with him quickly. Be different, and you'll get treated like a princess."
Number seven is my answer.
You can be made a fool giving yourself over to everyone all the time. Sex is an intimate bond and it really should be for the marriage bed.
Regardless ... if you are grown.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 4:32 AM
Miranda, the system doesn't like certain words so it holds them up to be released. So somehow you have to diguise the word, i.e s@x.
Ring or no ring, I encourage all people who choose to have sex to be mature and open enough to talk about it. I think that is really lacking in this society. I feel it you can't converse about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Marriage or not. People need to step up and talk to their partners about testing up front and then the protection they will use. They are so many things to be caught before HIV and AIDS. Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Genital Warts, Lice, Scabies, Trichomoniasis.
And people need to be cautious of the type of sex they are having with these short term relationships, flings, one night stands, etc. I had a friend to tell me about the great oral sex she received from some guy and then how she had to stop him before penetration to make sure he put a condom on because in her words, "I know he is with other people and I don't want to catch anything." I gave her the I know you are kidding or "SOS" look. After I realized she had no clue. We had a conversation on how you contract diseases from Oral as well as Vaginal. She was clueless. The sad part? She is no spring chicken. No reason she shouldn't have know this. But, she didn't.
By Write - 7/17/2009 6:47 AM
True.
Honestly, I feel it is something that should be discussed between adults as well. You should never assume or take the word of some folks. I just think it is better to wait rather than falling for the lie about not getting a disease...
Now a days, people are sleeping with more than one person or same sex. You just need to know before you hit the sheets, even before the ring.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:12 AM
Meaning I prefer a monogamous relationship with ONE man.
If my comment ever comes back.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:18 AM
MONO
UNO
ONE...
Then what ever happens happens... I feel as though the older you get, you just know. Not making foolish choices as when you were young.
By Miranda - 7/17/2009 7:21 AM
"So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage?"
simple...i was curious...wondered what it felt like. was a lil hyped up from a friend who had already done it.
"What made you stop?"
i haven't...just slowed down considerably
"What advice do you currently give to those younger than you?"
wait as long as you possibly can, please use protection, and don't sleep around b/c you'll only end up hurting psychologically if you do
"Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age?"
No, not really. same goes for them too...
"What is your position on pre-marital sex?
the Bible says it's wrong, but I think it's almost inevietable. i admire those who are strong enough in the flesh to wait until marriage, but for those who are not, i just pray that it's safe.
"Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your self worth?"
no. i know i'm only 22, but i've been through a lot regarding this topic, and my view is exactly what i said above, and i don't think it'll change.
when promoting abstinence and purity (which is all well and good), you still leave out a vast majority: the ppl who's already having s%x, and may not be "kickin the habit" any time soon. because s%x is happening way more that abstinence, we need to promote getting tested and protecting yourself. athough, i feel really guilty when saying that...i'm convicted everyday, it's still reality...
By CBW1986 - 7/20/2009 7:00 PM
When answering the questions like that... the way CBW did, I had to discuss the topic from the truest perspective.
I had to re-think and re-write my answers according to the questions asked.
• "So, I ask, what made you take the sex plunge before marriage?"
I took the plunge out of curiosity and the time; I believed the hype of what my peers at the time believe sex to be. However, it was not like the movies. There weren't any sparks and because I was not knowledgeable about the psychological effects of having s@x at a young age (17), I really wasn't prepared for the rejection of the other person as well.
• "What made you stop?"
When I realized I didn't want to be like most of the women in my family. I didn't want my body to be used up and messed up. I had about very few s@x partners in my life. And many were just one time occurrences, meaning if I didn't like, It would never happen again. And the fact that I got married young.
• "What advice do you currently give to those younger than you?"
Being real, however I was married by the age of 20 so I didn't really have a s@x life. My last boyfriend before I was married, well we experimented due to the fact I desired to know what an orgasm really was, however it never happened … almost but not. When I got married, well I just didn't understand that a woman must learn her body and honestly that takes time and a partner willing to listen to your needs as well as you listening to his needs. It takes compromise and a willingness to know if you both have the same likeness and desires sexually before plunging into the bed. And you must be safe. Get knowledgeable about sex. The bible also says for lack of knowledge, my people also perish. We must educate ourselves in order to preserve our bodies as women. This goes especially African-American women, which statistically has the highest lead in HIV and the AIDS virus. When you understand your body and the dangers of having more than one s@x partner you tend to not delve into the bedroom too quickly. Learning a person's s@xual history should be a number one priority. You never know who has been with whom. Learn the precautions and know the truth about s@x. It really does show how responsible you are as a woman and as a partner. However, abstinence is the best way to assure the safety of it all. Waiting on the ONE person to share YOUR body with means he has to be willing to wait. True love waits and your body is worth waiting for.
• "Does it differ from the advice you would give to someone your own age?"
No. I believe whatever age you are you must understand your worth. You are not weak or a sore thumb because you choose not to delve into the bedroom too quickly. I feel as though you are being wise.
However, the older you get the more you learn when a man is really interested in you rather than just hitting the sheets. You tend to know the signs and really it is your choice on what you do with your body. When you are older, you need to have safe s@x, just like any young person.
FYI: Women begin to s@xually peak at the age of 40 when men s@xually peak at the age of 20. So there is a big difference that occurs with women. However a man can reproduce until he dies. A woman has a clock ticking on fertility so most of the time, s@x with some women is more about children versus the pleasure of it all. As women get older; they eventually learn how to enjoy s@x versus it being a chore. Life experiences sometimes changes the way s@x is received versus being done.
• "What is your position on pre-marital sex?"
The bible says it is wrong. Fornication is included in the vial list of passions. However, we know many have fallen in this area as well. The bible speaks about if you "burn" it is better to marry because you can fall weak to temptation every time. Although, we know we are not to marry because we have sinned.
So my understanding of it is a woman "burning" so to speak should prepare herself for marriage rather than a s@x partner because pleasing God should be the first focus.
It would be nice to say if you had s@x with someone, that they would stay; however it is not guaranteed. Most of the time men are double standard; it has to do with a trust issue; when a woman has sex before marriage. Weird, but true. Most men believe that if a woman gives it up to them, she has given it up to someone else.
• "Did it change with age, education or new revelation of your "self worth"?"
S@x for me has changed with age. I understand the potency of it essence in reality knowing my own body. I understand the value of my worth because I desire someone worthy of my body. I am divorced, now but I have learned that I can't jump in the bed because there is so much to learn about a person. A woman has to know the partner before s@x. It is a choice, however and I cannot judge. I just know, you have so much dignity when you wait to have s@x, it saves you from the internal (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) scars which are not seen on the outside.
• Promoting abstinence and purity, IS A CHOICE;
Like I said, being willing to be pure is a choice. And for those who have been strong, I commend you. I have been abstaining for quite some time. I will not say how long, but I can say I know it has only been because of the grace of God. Nothing of my own doing. And that is real.
By Miranda - 7/21/2009 5:15 AM
